Tween Friendships Are Important

It's not surprising that research shows that peers can have either a negative or a positive influence on kids. Yes, peers can be a big influence on your child to participate in negative behavior, but peers can also encourage your tween to resist these pressures and push your child toward positive behaviors like going to school, shining in academics or extracurriculars, and pursuing a college education.

Many parents believe that the generation gap puts their tween and their friends at odds with them on key values and moral issues; however, parents, tweens and peers hold many of the same values. Where differences usually arise most is with things such as clothes, hair, or music - which have few long-term effects.

You may want to consider having a conversation with your tween's friends' parents. It has been shown that kids make out better when their parents know the parents of their friends. Other ideas are to:

• Make room for peer activities - Tweens do need time with their friends. It gives them time to learn more about themselves and other people. Offer your home as a place to gather or offer to drive your tween and friends to a social function. You will have a greater influence and be able to monitor activities if you provide a respectful, welcoming atmosphere.
• Encourage positive tween relationships - with peers who have similar values to yours. If your tween has friends that you're concerned about, keep a closer eye on their activities. Don't say anything positive or negative about the friend. Your lack of response toward the friend will signal to your tween that you do not approve of this friend.
• Communicate, set limits, emphasize values, and provide support - even when it seems they aren't listening, may be violating the rules, or actively resisting you. You are more of an influence than you realize!
• Remain close to your tween - The best insurance that your tween will choose friends you approve of is by having a close relationship with you. Even if they may say otherwise, tweens want and need the approval their parents provide.
• Encourage your tween's decision making - Tweens who practice decision making at home are more likely to use these skills to make good decisions when they are out of your sight. Give them opportunities to make decisions that matter.
• Know their friends - A tween's selection of friends says a lot about who they are and what they are likely to be doing when you're not around. Without trying to be one of the gang, try to get to know your tween's friends. When parents show genuine interest in their friends, tweens are less likely to see their parents and friends as opposing forces.
• Know where your tween is and who they are with - When parents know what tweens are doing and who they are with, tweens are less likely to participate in risky behaviors.
• Get the facts - Don't base your decisions only on what your tween says is happening. Parents often hear, "OTHER kids' parents don't make them come in THAT early!" or "ALL the kids are going to that party!" Some parents may feel forced into changing rules because they don't want to be different from other parents. Don't be afraid to call other parents to get the facts before making your decision.

Source: "Parents Make a Difference", Wisconsin State University Extension Publications, Positive Parenting Series